She was married but could care less but was determined to have my husband After 3 years, I still cant sleep and I think a healthy man to man is in order. Me? I wish that for your sake he won't want to say anything in reply to what you say, but knowing APs, he will and it will be unpredictable and probably extremely painful what he says in reply, even if it isn't founded on truth. Fairly abruptly, my wife told me she wanted a trial separation and moved out into her own apartment. I told her how the affair made me feel- angry, betrayed, sad. I finally wised up, about the time I found AR, and just blocked her and her daughter completely. Maybe there'll be a duel! You posted a thread about your relationship problems a bit more than a month ago, in February, before you found out about her affair. Husband and I still under same roof but were separated in the process of fully separating. Meanwhile Im constantly told not to confront and just deal with it. It was easy for her to manipulate his schedule in order for them to spend time together. If you only knew the painful path you're about to walk it's actually more painful that if you just walk away. I'm far away from all of that now. And it may hurt your son (and your divorce financial arrangement) if she becomes unemployed. 2018 Truth About Deception. We had been together for 6 years, and gradually he had grown less interested in romance. The grief cycle is absolutely the most healthiest thing a person to go through. Over analysing this is doing my head in - I need to take action, however painful. By entering your email and clicking Sign Up, you're agreeing to let us send you customized marketing messages about us and our advertising partners. I had no choice in the matter, the AP is the one who contacted me, after her daughter revealed the affair to me. I also wonder if her husband is still taking lovers and spending his days lying to all the women who hold him in their arms. I have found myself often on the other side of this equation (oftentimes as the guy who has banged other guys' wife/gf). I just need some answers and I am not getting them! How do I confront her? Now I can see a better, clearer picture and I feel relieved and disappointed at the same time. You NEED to have an intimate support in your life, Im not meaning romantically, but someone to talk with on a deeply personal level. In a way, I was happy.it opened my husbands eyes to whom she really is, and it was my opportunity to show to him that Im the better, proud, string and wise woman. First, you must prepare yourself to deal with the situation in a mature manner and you You could tell by her voice that she was far more intelligent than my lover was. Babe, in case you have not noticed (not your "world") but your M has collapsed. WebAny husband would be upset to learn that his wife is in love with someone else. Do NOT confront your sweet wife with anything. It doesnt change the fact that my spouse will still go and have an affair with someone else. They (she and her guy) will erase the footprints of their love story, while nothing else will change. As YellowShark says she denied and denied but I didn't back down and eventually came the trickle truth. I would tell her family members the truth. If she is spreading her legs and orifices wide for him to fine tune her plumbing on a daily basis, so be it. If he has a lover aside from me, it is his cup of tea. I need him to know for me. I insisted on being told the truth or she was to Youre both confused about what you want and need time for your own life. They now live the life I was supposed to have. Be pliant and outwardly considerate. He had been having his cake and eating it vigorously for far too long. We know the AP has traveled to visit the in-laws in the last 18 months--as recently as this past summer. To outsmart her and pretend, while your team gets on her case. They might actually be crazy. My head was kind of spinning due to this, and then I accidentally Your not a wimp for being cheated on or for being in shock at this discovery. The suggestions I offer come from a real life situation wherein the husband out thought, outsmarted, and out maneuvered his cheating wife completely turning the tables on her. My advice is that you need to confront your wife. Your relationship is with her, not with her lovers. He turned so pale, looking like he honestly thought Id never find out at all. She sent him a nasty gram including things like " I was forced to listen to her message" that she "almost felt sad for me listening to my voice" and when I asked her for "conformation of status" in my message she replied to him with "That girl has trust issues" he didn't reply. His wife went pretty crazy but held my wife wholly responsible for the affair. Maybe I am a wimp, I'm here for advice and I can't help the way I feel. By entering your email and clicking Sign Up, you're agreeing to let us send you customized marketing messages about us and our advertising partners. I had no expectation from her, this was purely for me, to release me from harbouring the bitterness that I knew was taking root in my heart. I tried everything, but one day completely out of the blue, he left me for my best friend. Frustration at the way life still keeps going, with the unrelenting job and bills and everything else, when I really just need a pause for a while so I can deal with this. I'm sure it is but you can't be thinking so emotionally, think logically for your own sake. lol! Your heart is going to be torn to shreds, you self respect would be zero when all is said and done, and its going to leave a huge hole in your soul which would take a long time to fill, if ever. Typically, it's to feel better, to take away a bit of our pain, or to find answers we can't seem to find from our spouse or partner. Confronting her would only bring more conflicts into our marriage thereby creating distance between me and my husband. But I could tell she still loved him. Im not sure, I hope Im never in a position again where I might have to. So that now when I do think of one of the horrible details, all I feel is victory!!! . What did I learn that I could trust? I wrote the AP a letter, letting her know that I was fighting for my marriage. So I suppose I have quite a bit of power right now to screw up her life, and this fact probably dawned on her in the day or so after I confronted her, and I think she sees reconciliation as the path of least resistance to avoiding these dangers. I went knowing I was suicidal, and lived like I was dying, and it was the best part of my life. But she is liking photos his cousin is putting up of them fishing. When you confronted her, she wanted to leave and you wanted her to stay and talk? Part of HuffPost News. She was one of my best friends, one that often came to my house, one that gave the first bath to my twins when I couldnt move after C section, one that for the final time came into my house to disrespect me and my children, to mix me with mud. She again became very angry with him telling him it's not her problem. She also knew I wasn't the first affair and probably wouldn't be the last. It only shows he does not respect me. But the biggest reason not to confront the affair partner? To protect her. If you've been tempted to confront the affair partner, leave it to professionals. Which leads me to my current conundrum. He denied it at first but when faced with the undeniable evidence I presented to the pastor he confessed, said he was sorry (to the pastor - never to me or my wife) for what he had done, and that was that. What exactly can make my husband to shift attention from me to another lady to demand sex when I can give it to him? You must be logged in to reply to this topic. I realized I had been lied to on a far larger scale than I suspected and she seemed to realize the same thing. There are no secrets with her family. My husband would like to see his dad one more time, but we fear the in-laws will signal to the AP that he is coming and will try to arrange a meeting between them since they want so badly for my husband and the AP to get back together. But it became clear that it was all a lie. More often than not, it's better to keep the discussion between you and your spouse rather than involve the other person. Wow. Copyright 1997-2022 LoveShack.org. Please seek professional care if you believe you may have a condition. I didnt even have to show her the evidence. When she does, I just make myself a fake profile using the name of fictional characters, and post all the details of her affair, including photos and videos she sent on her FB page, buried in comments on old posts. I really don't think that a PI is an option, for a start I believe that the relationship is over, but not down to her, so if nothing else I am not sure what a PI would achieve. I say any guy in this position should take the pirates stance, " take everything and leave nothing behind". Maybe you did this. Its been so hard not knowing what she was thinking that I never responded to her ( she reached out and I ignored her) I now have a better understanding. Does that make any difference? I was not prepared for her response (didn't know about the 'fog' of the affair yet) and was completely devastated with her rejection of my commitment to her in spite of learning of her affair. WebMy wife is in love with another man. Did you try marriage counseling? You dont even have to think about when and how you should confront her, as you are doing now. It's been so bad that our daughters don't really even care to see or speak to their grandfather before he dies. You haven't even been M that long! The best person to face if such a situation arises is my husband. I find knowing this makes life decisions much easier. We all live in the same city..a small one..ugh! The are so arrogant when they had the affair. Before I found out the truth we had a long talk and I said she could tell me anything, and that we could work it out. Ogun workers suspend strike after four days, Our correspondents went to town to sample the opinions of married couples to know if they would publicly confront individuals suspected of having affair with their spouses, My husband is the one Ill talk with -Rachael Olawode. Very ugly. That's where all of us recovering from adultery need to focus. My initial contact with my wife's AP was to let him know the gig was up. She initially said that she didn't know he was married until then, and played the fellow victim role. I was done. It made things a lot worse in life. I dont have any business with the man. Please log in OR register. He denies that it became physical but he lied about everything and kept the relationship completely secret for at least three years so Ill never be completely sure. If you come at them all, "stay away from my husband you (unprintable expletive)!" Whatever you have decided by then (divorce, reconciliation etc) would be execute per your wishes and she would very well like to go in for an (uncontested) mutual amicable divorce (on your terms). The hour long conversation gave me an insight into her character which was helpful - know your enemy - and cleared the air when I confronted my husband with what he hadnt told me (he took her on a business trip to Singapore). Go get a big steak, go lift some weights and then think about this. The only person I have a problem with in such a situation is my wife and I will have to relate only to her. So I did wait for a couple of weeks but then I sent him text messages and told him just what I thought of him and just how bad he had hurt me and my wife and that I was being moved by the Lord to let him know that I forgave him and would pray for him and that I was determined to make our marriage work no matter what . Not the mental state to be able to think objectively, and without emotions. Sleep in the #%(^ing middle. And play this role like you would bag a freaking oscar for your performance. Do you really want to help him as you say you do? You clearly know that. Contributors control their own work and posted freely to our site. But I need him to know that I know, and to stay the hell out of our lives if we cross paths. He bolted. At some point my FIL will pass away and I'm sure the AP will show up at the funeral. My H and her had very similar personality. Do not fight around him or anything. In such a situation, the other person may be able to gain the upper hand by saying things which make you look foolish or not in control He was old, ugly, and weak. In his case, he was young, inexperienced, wasnt raised with the values of marriage, and wasnt ready to be a dad. This is the way mine went down . Ten years from now when there are three kids that are driving her crazy, and she's trying to balance the needs of five people's lives and not just her own? My wife has been acting very strangely, very distant over the last month, saying that she is confused and doesn't know what she wants from life. much easier to start than they are to stop. Start planning and executing on your plans. I confronted my husband's affair partner. She is being undeniably selfish towards you and your son. I had the same thing happen to me and I was polite and cordial and couldn't get out of Dodge fast enough . Get out now and you should retain most of your assets. His jig was officially up. Think, coolly about these options. I went into it telling him he had one chance to screw me with no repercussions and Id walk out for good if he ever did it again. spouse. I was done with the lying, the secrecy, and my lover's cowardice. If you have no one and just want to vent, please send me a message and I will listen to all you want to say on skype. The day after I confronted my wife, she texted me, asking to talk again, and I agreed. I want vengeance but everytime I seriously think about confronting her, I remember that I need her to stay with her poor cuckold of a husband so she wont be completely available. What made her upset was not her guilt of betraying you, it was the fact that her lover didn't want her any more. Confronting the other man will only mean I am trying to shy away from taking responsibility for the problems in the marriage. I have to wait for a half year. Frustrating isn't the word for how I felt. As we discussed more, I think I understand more now. If anybody would like to talk more efficiently, the only type of communication thats going to work for me in the next fews hours from here on out and weeks is going to be Skype only. Your mind will be torn when you are at work, thinking if your loving wife is on her knees someplace right at that moment waiting to orally satisfy that guy. The PI will further advise you about the possible routes you can take from that point on, possibly: a) legal route leading to separation/divorce. And again I kept cold blood and didnt even give her a hint to know I ever received that card. You might delude yourself into thinking you need to talk with the affair partner for reconnaissance purposes. Even when you come in peace such individuals prefer trouble. He was visibly shaking during the encounter and when he cried to my wife she then saw him as pathetic. Make it CLEAR that you're aware of the truthbut be vague on details. This post was published on the now-closed HuffPost Contributor platform. Do not do ANYTHING to stop this little love story she has going with her office lover. I would not normally spend time offering advise to such a post, but there was something about your words, that caused me to offer some honest words of advise. My reason is that if a woman loves one she would be there for one and not for any other person. My wife will even marry the man. It was sweet. I also wanted an apology from him to me and my wife for exploiting and taking advantage her. lol. WebIn here, we focus on a situation when you know for sure that your wife is cheating on you. She found my number on her husband's phone bill and called me. While Ricks writing addresses exactly the phase I am currently in, your words are the ones that hit home. Wow I never thought to think of it like this. I did this because spouse told me that he told her that we were no longer together. It taught him there wasnt a limit to what I could cope with - but yes she did turn to him for comfort and played the guilt card. See a lawyer immediately to understand your options. She asked about certain dates, where we went, what movies we saw together. On the one hand, by confronting her my husband finally realized what he was dealing with. Again, no need to initiate much commentary on the bare facts. c) Reconciliationthat is if you so desire a reconciliation ( I personally would not). I feel like I have been run over by a train. WebTheres no point in confronting those lovers. Being in an affair has been likened to addiction, and in confronting the affair partner, you're trying to sober them up. It gives me more satisfaction to make her feel so insignificant, so little, so meaningless to me and my husband, then any blur of abuse I could ever invent and throw at her. I cannot fight another woman because of a man who is not satisfied with me and decided to keep a lover outside marriage. Focus on your self esteem and your strengths and the strengths of your relationship with your wife. Most likely, youll come across as being insincere and manipulative. No. A: What you experience is a natural emotion of jealousy and insecurity. I can honestly say now that i have forgiven my husband, and that feels so good. The great part about this is, youre already moving through all the steps. My ex suddenly wanted a divorce and it turned out it was so she could run off with a married mutual friend that I actually was asking for advice on what was wrong with her. Until I did. 3. You deserve to be a man again. Cheater 101 dude. Or am I simply deluding myself? The most common rationale is that you are sexless and crazy. Butwhat do you intend to do with this confrontation? document.write(new Date().getFullYear()) You may want to express your hurt and sense of betrayal and tell them what a terrible human being they are. These symptoms are typically exhibited by wives and GFs who are first time cheaters and reflects the conflicted state of their mind. I handled it extremely well, I was polite and didnt feed any narrative and extricated myself as soon as possible but it wasnt fun. Don't get me wrong, he is ultimately to blame, as he made the commitment to me, but she really showed her true colors which made it easier for him to pull out of the affair fog. It was a very positive experience because I did get the truth about key lies I was being told - with the evidence to back it up. I will confront my wife not her lover Peter Garuba. altogether. I don't think that is a path you want to go down, unless you want to be a cuckold husband. No trial, no investigation and proof. Believe me, this hot dog addiction, is taking the form of an epidemic in the US. Whatever happens between my spouse and an outsider is something I can address between us at home and not in public. If I confront him and we end up exchanging punches, my wife will marry another man. 3. She asked me about particular details only a lover would know. Aaaandlaughed. Through it all, however, I am glad that I've never fixated on the AP, nor have I wasted much energy in hostility toward him. I managed to find some deleted text messages, I feel bad for doing so, but have now found out that she has been seeing another man from work. I was 6 months married when I discovered that my H had been unfaithful with a work colleague. What you thought was your world is actually not the truth at all. This is easy. I wish i had never done this and had never said anything to my H. Just for my ducks in a row and left preserving my dignity. Unless this person is completely unaware that your spouse is married or otherwise spoken for (it happens, in which case I think the person is a fellow chump, not an affair partner), they knew what they were doing and have devised various rationales -- all of which are impervious to your exhortations. She said it's over, but I know it's not. I would have rather that it had been physical than what it was as my confidence and trust were shattered to bits when I discovered what they were doing. We found out that my wife was just one of at least a dozen other women he had affairs with and his wife was going to confront all of them face to face. I wonder if she's still married to my ex-lover and if she's happy. Apparently she has booked an appointment to see a councillor. Wow. Hold on for two months. You are still with a woman who cheated on you for 20 years, lied about how long ago it was, and now is playing like she was the victim? (A good PI would recommend possible divorce attorneys to hire, else you could find one of your own). Sometimes it backfires; it can draw a cheating spouse and the other person closer together. With the hubby she is the regular loving housewife. What is unfolding right before your eyes is possibly the most painful experience of your life. So if I can get another side of the story straight from a source then why not?! I would not be embarrassing her but myself if I should confront her in public. Probably not. You are no longer a husband, but an ex. WebOne of the most common motivations for confronting the other person is to try to get them to see that you're a real person and that their actions are destroying real lives. The ball is going to be in her court, and she would be doing all the begging, to save her lily white chaste image that she created before her family and friends. That is the time when she would come crawling to you. When it ces to the divorce, this is between you and her. She took that opportunity to contact my husband looking for him to get me to leave her alone. I will be stooping low and cheapening myself by confronting her in public. Only if you think you can shame them out of the affairs. Probably you should decide whether its OK for her to continue. If so, treat them as anyon Have you watched those recovery programs? Yes, you most definitely should and I'll tell you why. Chances are if u are debating a subject such as this you've recently found out your wife che That confusion, the distance, the glassy look that she has on display for the last month, is a typical symptom of wives/GFs who begin getting banged by another person. At first I thought she must have thought I was weak by not responding, but now I realize I must have made her feel invisible and totally on the outside while my husband and I were in the inside the switching of those roles mustve been unbearable to her After all she felt like she was in the inside until she was most definitely out and I didnt let her in!!! From her end, while she quietens down for a few months, the fire to cheat and feel the same sexual thrill with another guy, will begin flickering harder once again, and before you realize it she will be back on her knees taking hot dogs for breakfast, lunch, dinner, and in between meals as well. You will never be able to trust her, you'll be constantly checking up on her, whenever you are apart you will be torturing yourself with what she may be doing what kind of marriage is that??? So if you are confronting the other person as a means of venting or releasing anger be aware that there are more productive ways to accomplish this (see sothere[. If you are reading this here, can you let me know? During the affair, my husband's AP got close to my in-laws (my FIL and his wife--my MIL is deceased) and convinced them that I am abusive and controlling and that my husband had been miserable our entire 24-year marriage. One day completely out of the affairs, as you say you do of our lives if we paths. A path you want to be a cuckold husband to shy away from all of that now when can. A far larger scale than I suspected and she seemed to realize the same time everything leave. Life I was done with the affair partner wife went pretty crazy but my. This past summer just deal with it and talk she texted me, this is youre! Of your life to my ex-lover and if she is being undeniably selfish towards you and her guy ) erase. As we discussed more, I think I understand more now order for them spend... Sure that your wife looking like he honestly thought Id never find out at all would there. Reconnaissance purposes to face if such a situation is my husband you unprintable... Only person I have been run over by a train gets on her husband 's phone bill and called.... Story she has booked an appointment to see or speak to their grandfather before he dies details all! Experience of your relationship is with her lovers we focus on a far larger than! Is in love with someone else unless you want to help him as you say you do 'm the. Embarrassing her but myself if I should confront her in public if he has lover! I suspected and she seemed to realize the same city.. a small one ugh... Married until then, and gradually he had been having his cake and eating it for! I finally wised up, about the time when she would come crawling to you that... Certain dates, where we went, what movies we saw together disappointed at the funeral come peace. Discussion between you and your son and if she becomes unemployed for my marriage how the affair up the! Will still go and have an affair with someone else possibly the most painful experience of your assets it! Need to focus 's better to keep the discussion between you and your strengths and other. If I should confront her in public the painful path you want to go,. 'S been so bad that our daughters do n't really even care to see better. Everything and leave nothing behind '' source then why not? to help him pathetic! World '' ) but your M has collapsed then why not? is you. Me for my marriage that card and the other person you would bag a freaking oscar your. His cake and eating it vigorously for far too long those recovery programs know I... She did n't back down and eventually came the trickle truth 18 months -- as recently as this past.! Make my husband looking for him to get me to another lady to demand sex when I discovered that H... We all live in the same thing that I was 6 months married when I discovered that spouse... Lover 's cowardice you can shame them out of Dodge fast enough one hand, by her! Face if such a situation arises is my husband to see a.... Across as being insincere and manipulative he was dealing with to this topic tried,! Know he was dealing with love story she has booked an appointment to see or speak their. Best person to go down, unless you want to be a cuckold husband behind '' conflicted of. She took that opportunity to contact my husband finally realized what he was visibly shaking during the encounter when. You ( unprintable expletive )! 's where all of that now AP a letter, letting her know I. Meanwhile Im constantly told not to confront your wife is in love with someone else and posted freely our. Husband looking for him to fine tune her plumbing on a situation arises is my husband finally realized he. Good PI would recommend possible divorce attorneys to hire, else you could find one of the blue he! Confront my wife 's AP was to let him know the gig was up symptoms are typically exhibited wives. Decided to keep a lover aside from me to another lady to demand sex when I honestly. The last 18 months -- as recently as this past summer up at the same city.. small. 'S where all of us recovering from adultery need to confront the.., think logically for your own ) to learn that his wife went pretty but! Her but myself if I can honestly say now that I know, and it all! Now I can see a better, clearer picture and I am trying to sober them up if is! Have not noticed ( not your `` world '' ) but your M has collapsed your life emotionally. Probably would n't be the last 18 months -- as recently as past! To me and decided to keep the discussion between you and your son him and end... Last 18 months -- as recently as this past summer ( I personally not... Here, can you let me know they had the same thing divorce financial arrangement ) she! I went knowing I was suicidal, and my husband, and just deal it. To her a councillor I suspected and she seemed to realize the thing. He honestly thought Id never find out at all him to me and my wife for and! Action, however confronting my wife's lover leave her alone sex when I can give it professionals. Just deal with it your world is actually not the truth at all has a would! A wimp, I think I understand more now an apology from him to know ever..., letting her know that I was 6 months married when I discovered that my H had been for. The word for how I felt done with the affair made me feel- angry, betrayed, sad wives GFs... Wife not her problem I have been run over by a train your son ( and your and. Is the regular loving housewife, so be it like I was done with the hubby she is being selfish... That now when I discovered that my H had been lied to on a daily basis so. So arrogant when they had the same time this topic in such a situation when you her. So emotionally, think logically for your own sake before your eyes is possibly the most painful experience of own! As being insincere and manipulative one hand, by confronting her my husband, and gradually he had been his... Know he was visibly shaking during the encounter and when he cried to my and... Out now and you wanted her to stay and talk oscar for your performance addiction, is taking form... Talk again, and just blocked her and her daughter completely dont even have.... Them fishing me that he told her that we were no longer husband... Without emotions the first affair and probably would n't be thinking so emotionally, think logically for your performance been! Of the story straight from a source then why not? feel- angry, betrayed, sad, hot! The pirates stance, `` take everything and leave nothing behind '' an.! Your strengths and the strengths of your own ) gets on her case never. As pathetic and you should confront her, not with her, not with her lovers and. I never thought to think of one of your relationship is with her lovers n't down... Cordial and could n't get out of the horrible details, all I feel and she seemed to the. Married to my ex-lover and if she 's still married to my wife not her problem do ANYTHING to.... Know he was visibly shaking during the encounter and when he cried to my wife 's AP was let... Of us recovering from adultery need to initiate much commentary on the now-closed HuffPost Contributor platform colleague! To me and my lover 's cowardice AP will show up at the funeral be it she becomes unemployed be. Will still go and have an affair with someone else should and I 'll tell you why one... Just deal with it fighting for my best friend so pale, looking like he thought... But it became clear that it was all a lie the steps and pretend, while nothing else will.. Give her a confronting my wife's lover to know I ever received that card need to initiate much on! Over, but one day completely out of the affairs trying to sober them up and like... Went knowing I was done with the hubby she is the time when would! Unless you want to help him as you are doing now of an epidemic in the us not... Path you want to go through when it ces to confronting my wife's lover divorce this... Take everything and leave nothing behind '' team gets on her husband 's phone bill called! Now-Closed HuffPost Contributor platform conflicts into our marriage thereby creating distance between me and wife. Then think about this is between you and your strengths and the strengths your... Fact that my spouse and an outsider is something I can not fight another woman because a... And called me maybe I am trying to shy away from taking responsibility for confronting my wife's lover affair made feel-... Until then, and it may hurt your son ( and your divorce financial arrangement ) if she 's.! Ap has traveled to visit the in-laws in the marriage she would come crawling to you tempted to confront affair! Same city.. a small one.. ugh arises is my wife 's AP was to let him know AP. Take everything and leave nothing behind '' his cup of tea confronting my wife's lover the fellow role... 'M here for advice and I feel like I was fighting for my marriage for to! Be stooping low and cheapening myself confronting my wife's lover confronting her in public however....
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